The Season of Leaving- Advice to those flying the nest

Published in daijiworld weekly, June 29th, 2018

It is that time of year again, the season of leaving. Around the world there is a generation of young adults who have just finished either high school or college. They are ready to fly the nest, as their parents look on with a mixture of pride and nostalgia, not quite ready to let go, but who do so nevertheless. They know it is time for a new chapter to begin, time for their children's own stories to really take life.

I know a bit about this season of leaving. Last year my eldest daughter turned 18, graduated from high school and went off to University, all in a span of a two months. The night before her birthday, I sat flicking through photos of the years that had flown by, and found myself smiling through the tears. Each photograph brought flashbacks, and had me yearning to relive them. The sweet friendly baby, the talkative, dramatic toddler, the pre teen who took on the role of big sister and the typical moody insolent teenager. I remember how we cherished the happy times and plodded through the tough ones, trying our best to be ‘parent friends’, forgiving, coaxing, teaching, preaching, laughing, shouting;, each side, both her and us exercising patience, tolerance and restraint.

But the memories that were the brightest were the ones of all the fun we had and the many important lessons she taught us. She introduced us to new authors and new bands, TV shows and stand up comedians. She started traditions, got us hooked to award shows and carpool karaoke. Together we loved Harry Potter and Harry Styles, Ed Sheeran and Katniss Everdeen.  Together we watched back to back clips of Ellen and stayed up nights watching ‘How to get away with Murder’- she in her room and me in mine, but still it brought us together and I was ever so grateful for our years together and the time spent parenting her. 18 years. Every moment precious, every phase one great adventure.

That night, I sat and wrote her a letter with some advice, parts of which I will now share. I think the advice is relevant to everyone leaving home and going out into the world and something all parents may have subtelly taught and told their children through the years. Some of it is my own, but some I have borrowed from the many wonderful writers and poets whose words have inspired and guided me through my life. Here it goes:

• Everything is temporary, moments, feelings, people. It’s never early enough to realize that life is finite and fragile. Never take anyone or anything for granted.
• Choose your battles wisely. You will realize that every situation doesn't need a reaction. There are only so many battles you can fight, so often you just have to close an eye, leave things alone and let the stupid be.
• The most important dimension of love is giving and this can take many forms. Give and allow others to give you.
• Learn to also be happy with little, because if it’s always not big enough, not bright enough, not comfortable enough, you will find yourself feeling cheated. Ultimately happiness lies in the small, numerous joys that are most often already there.
• You never need to peel away your layers to fit into the mould. You are perfect just the way you are. Believe it.
• Don't toughen yourself by desensitizing yourself. Feel deeply, let people know what they mean to you. Be bold in who and how you love. Say what you need to say, then say a little more. Say too much, show too much, love too much. It will never be in vain.
• Never say no to an adventure. Strive for a life that sizzles and make your everydays count.
• The only opinion that matters is yours. If we parents have done our job well your conscience will always nudge you to do what is right. If you think you are doing the right thing, then you are. Don’t betray your heart to quieten your head.
• The way the world is right now, you will see more and more people normalizing hatred, being at ease with nastiness, and feeling united in their bigotry. Don’t stay quiet. Speak out, take a stand, don't let the bullies win.
• In life you will make friends out of strangers and strangers out of friends. Seek out and nurture the torch bearers, the magicians, the game changers. Find your tribe. Allow them to challenge you, love you as you are; allow them to read your soul and lift you up.
• Be bold, dream big, ask why, ask why not and don't be afraid when you make a mistake. Mistakes sharpen you; they can turn out interesting and amazing and give you some of life’s greatest experiences.
• Go make the world more interesting, but no matter what, don't forget to have fun. Life has a habit of getting a bit too serious, so it is up to you to shake it up every now and then. At the end of it all happiness matters, and the love and laughter you allow into your life, will bring much of that happiness. That and your faith.
• Most importantly please do go out into the world with your eyes and mind wide open. Though it seems that so much nonsense is going on around us, believe me, it’s a wonderful world and the best years of your life are ahead. You are going to have experiences that will awe you, change you and challenge you. You will meet people that will almost break you, and others that will inspire you. Some will touch your soul and awaken emotions you never knew existed.  Take it all in, the beauty of nature, the beauty of monotony and the beauty of the people around you.
• And no matter what, tomorrow and the day after and every day after, remember that your parents love you in the fiercest sense. They will always be your biggest fans, your loudest cheerleaders and the one shoulder you can always rely on no matter what.

If you are a parent suffering a bruised heart during this season of leaving, be strong. It will be exciting to watch your children’s future unfold. You will feel pride at the choices they make, the fields they pursue, and the relationships they build. Take a deep breath and pat yourself. You did good. And now you too have work ahead of you—places to visit, friends to meet, and more history to write with your spouse. With the right perspective, and an openness to possibility, this can be a time of meaningful growth and you can in fact enjoy the freedom and the deeper marriage connection that an empty nest can bring about.

Parenthood indeed offers us many lessons in patience, sacrifice and unconditional love. But above all, it teaches us humility. After all, our children’s childhood, the very best thing in our lives is but a short stage in their own story. Though it will break our hearts to see them begin this journey, let us find strength in their confidence. Let us sit back and watch these amazing human beings, who we helped create, take hold of their lives and make it one daring adventure.